D. Magister Ludi Poem

 

(initiate sequence) eyes fixed on a screen of projected light experiencing no real physical distress watching scanning this empty horizon unable to turn away from the shadow of his motionless torso its silhouette of black space this one blind spot in the flickering artifice before him becomes his only refuge he rests in its stillness but this too that which he called his own would be taken from him its center becoming fainter edges beginning to blur gently fading away leaving no trace and the images of such a false nature this projected screen world of sentience filling its emptiness soon unable to look back to remember the struggle to find that resting place in the shadow subsides gently as the final vestiges of presence disappear from his consciousness and he understands this moment as the last and only welcomed disillusion of his otherwise ordinary life

muted shades moving in the periphery of his vision there observing unable to answer the most elementary of questions identity location time unwilling to speak at all he is in another place foreign but not unfamiliar silently waiting for the moment of convergence the collapse of the real a massive spiraling concentration of dark matter the black hole at the center of a doomed solar system its all consuming gravity reaching out pulling all life as he knew it into a hidden universe listening waiting for the messenger herald angel’s breathless warning a last gasp of incoming data from the center of this mysterious phenomena SP-GRO J1655-41its mission and course set years before his earliest memories studying this cosmic configuration racing through uncharted space toward its catastrophic fate the event horizon was at hand instrument seized firmly proof there deep inside of his existence he hears the sirens traveling with the desperate energy of dying suns toward him a flash of light from a super nova blinding the eyes with which he was able to see beyond the limitations of his body the ruins of a life on earth as he knew it recoiling from the violence of lost innocence

he can’t feel the tiny device inserted in a fold of his brain only the effects of its mechanical will of images of the lost the inconsequential sounds of repeated cruelty tastes of contaminated truths and the feel of repetitious labor its automatic response reflex signaling back to some central core an encoded data flow of information his self attached to a current of binary indifference electric insect gnawing at his thoughts signal on with no warning of an onset with no notice of the impending storm of sensations overwhelming him currents cascading upon themselves convulsions shredding his thoughts washing any memory of time before this present seizing him stopping him in his tracks voices of strangers the feeling of passers-by voyeurs to some personal tragedy unfolding beneath his frozen brow nothing to them a curiosity at most signal off apparitions quickly disappearing as quickly as they had appeared the melting facade before him reforming itself steadying its presence the episode ending releasing him from its grip streets reappearing as they always do returning him to what was becoming less and less certain returning him to his daily ritual his pilgrimage through the labyrinth of back streets its secret course known only to the initiated always traveling its symmetrical path always leading to its mysterious dark heart there amid the junkies and hustlers busy with the commerce of their bodies circling the small public park deep in the decaying neighborhoods of the city positioning himself on a grassy mound face upward eyes squinting at the noonday sun waiting for its radiance to fade to reveal the dim lights of other more distant suns waiting for the darkness to reveal themselves to conceal the day around him and take him in their pale arms carrying him to their milky breast

inexplicable manifestation suddenly appearing on the sensor screen a perplexing disorder streams of apparently unintelligible pulses emanating from deep space something queer these strange transmissions beckoning him not the usual space noise he had been assigned to monitor the hum of the quasars the mumbling of distant galaxies the babble of decommissioned research machines’ artificial intellects the prodigal son long awaited belief manifesting itself dark incarnation proof of existence there beyond reason his thoughts fixated his instincts desperately taking control by-passing standard protocol overriding security precautions covertly accessing the central computer network log on command controls transmit data read respond probe SP-GRO J1655-41 respond probe SP-GRO J1655-41

transmission severed termination return to earth ordered subject delusional possibly violent space psychosis dissociation from earth overwhelmed by the long term effects of life in deep space a complete break with the nature of his species a lost history of progress unraveled threads of continuity of associations with anything before this moment years of recording useless interstellar positioning coordinates tedious replaceable cog this technician guardian of inconsequential data debris his re-orientation scheduled holo-med-center deck three standard procedure standard treatment total memory remapping protocol initiated

having lost the physical memories of terrestrial life memories locked in the body replaced by weightless emptiness a forgetfulness of being of feeling this displaced state of existence a classified yet misunderstood occupational hazard of space travel constrained now in a sensory pool an artificial insemination of thoughts and sensations of earth engulfing him with the rhythms of the seasons the light from the rising and setting of the sun the icy sting of the fresh winter snow the heat of burning embers gusts of summer winds on his face sounds of a beating of heart he resists its desire his immaculate conception

carefully pulling back the lobe of his brain from which the disturbance seemed to be emanating attempting to triangulate the location charting the source of the electrical pulses unable to stop the seizures so called side effects of the remapping procedure these frequent hallucinatory states the total disorientation melting away boundaries the merging of inside and outside between what he once thought of as self and the lie of a false echo world unable to detect the exact center of this instability somewhere in this sea of biochemical reactions in this dark matter he existed he thinks an indecipherable language a frantic plea signaling out respond respond unable to understand the incoherent incoming data from the implant a solitary technician sole witness to this collapse of a distant galaxy marked the phenomena with a code identifying the approximate positioning coordinates place and time he anticipated this event this chaos this failure and observing from some distance lost hope awaited the inevitable

the inescapable moment is here the great convergence initiate destruct-sequence the spiral spins backwards upon itself imperceptible moment an unfelt reflex the indifference of time and space a lifetime undone memory another turn of the wheel he fears the moment of disillusion its shadow of uncertainty masks his vacant eyes fixed on some distant brilliant sun its long fated eclipse the canceling of the light collapse of truth eternal night soft shades gentle caress revealing a mysterious starry night infinite dark universe there is no redemption here (voiceless whisper) indifference to judgment begins the immateriality of vision irrelevance of sight faithless presence ruptures and bleeds out unfettered sensations the searing heat of love the glacial wilderness of need its blighted horizon of empty streets bruised arms outstretched its sewage carried in his veins the pulse of the probe grows weak signal fades fear dissolves into longing longing to acquiescence relinquish this missing person his last embrace unexpected warmth voiceless voice (soft whisper) sweet chariot of the gods